Cuando se trata de saber qué decir o qué hacer con un amigo o conocido que sufre profundamente una pérdida, probablemente me sentirÃa tan inseguro como cualquier otra persona.
De hecho, podrÃa sentirme tentado a hacer lo que me resulta más cómodo o "seguro": agachar la cabeza, por asà decirlo, seguir tachando elementos de mis listas diarias de tareas pendientes y excusarme con un "ahora estoy ocupado. La llamaré más tarde".
Para muchos de nosotros, sin embargo, esta lÃnea de pensamiento probablemente no nos sentarÃa bien. PodrÃamos decir: "Quiero estar ahà para mi amigo" o "Quiero ver cómo está este conocido. Es una buena persona".
Y entonces nuestro pensamiento inmediato puede ser: "Bueno, ¿qué puedo decir o hacer que sea útil? No quiero hacer que se sientan peor sin querer".
From years of experience as a palliative care physician (read Post 1: What Exactly Does a Palliative Care Specialist Do?), I know already that there are many different kinds of loss - loss of an identity, loss of the ability to work, loss of independence, loss of the ability to continue a beloved hobby, loss of friends and social life, loss of a role as someone's mother or father or husband or wife [read Post 35: Grieving Loss (and Change) That is About to Come - Six Coping Suggestions]. I know grief can occur after any type of loss and manifest as almost any emotion(s) and that no one emotion is the "right" emotion; all are human and valid.
He visto lo agradecidas que pueden llegar a ser las personas si uno está dispuesto a sentarse con ellas y permitirles expresar sus emociones, aunque esto incluya llorar.
Por supuesto, las situaciones anteriores se producen cuando ya estoy en una habitación con alguien que está sufriendo, cuando estoy en una dinámica de profesional sanitario y paciente/familiar.
What can we do if we have the choice to approach - or avoid instead - a friend or acquaintance who is acutely grieving? It might help to first understand that there is no normal duration of grief. People eventually learn to live side by side with their grief and attempt to resume their regular routine (or venture new activities) when grief is no longer so overwhelming. There is no "right" way to grieve. Some find solace in sharing their feelings and some prefer privacy (read Post 77: "There is No Pill for Grief" - Two Types of Coping with Grief).
A continuación se ofrecen algunas sugerencias sobre cómo "aparecer" por alguien tras su pérdida (más abajo se enumeran los recursos):
Cosas que decir:
1. Consider saying a simple "I'm so sorry" rather than platitudes that many well-meaning people fall back on when they are struggling to find words in an attempt to comfort. "Everything happens for a reason," "Well, the bright side is...," and "At least..." are examples of Things Not to Say commonly suggested by people who are experiencing or have experienced profound grief.
If you are not sure if a phrase would sound like a trite platitude, add "...so stop feeling so sad" to the end of your words - "Everything happens for a reason...so stop feeling so sad" - to help you recognize if a particular phrase may be more hurtful or irritating than helpful (see Resource #3 below, from which I found this advice).
2. Consider asking, "How are you doing today?" or simply saying, "I've been thinking of you" or "I'm happy to see you" instead of "How are you?" Sometimes we say "How are you?" as a means of greeting, and sometimes we ask because we genuinely care to know. A grieving person may be feeling a myriad of emotions during this period, and this everyday question may actually turn out to be a difficult question to answer.
3. Consider checking in at random times mainly to say, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you." This checking in could be via text, phone call, email, card, postcard...
4. Some may greatly appreciate shared memories of the loved one they lost. "I was at the Olive Garden last week, and I realized the last time I'd been there was with Walt. Remember the face he made when he realized the pizza he bit into was actually cake?"
5. If you say something you realize could be inadvertently hurtful to someone who just suffered big loss, consider owning up to it rather than pretending your words were acceptable. This may include when you try to relate to someone by sharing a story of your own loss, though they may not have the bandwidth to empathize with your loss when they are acutely grieving their own. "I'm sorry I just started talking about me. You don't need to hear about more sadness right now" or "I'm sorry I just said that. It was insensitive of me."
Cosas que hacer:
1. Ask if helping with a particular task would be helpful - that is, ask for permission - before actually initiating that task. "I'm getting items for lunch. Would it be helpful if I brought over some food or do you have enough already?" Even tasks that may seem inherently helpful to you, such as cleaning someone's house or doing their laundry, may trigger hesitancy in someone who is deeply grieving and potentially not ready to let go of certain items around the house last used by their loved one or last worn by their loved one.
2. Volunteer to help with specific tasks rather than making a blanket remark such as "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help." Perhaps ask, "Can I come by to walk the dogs next week so you can sleep in?" or "Could I get you some groceries while I'm at the store?"
3. Consider helping someone with a bit of distraction from, or a pause on, their grieving by offering to hang out with them. "Do you want to go to the movies?" or "How would you feel about my coming over and us playing Rummikub?"
4. Consider dropping off small presents, gift cards, gift baskets, and/or care packages. These presents can range from practical, such as grocery delivery gift cards, to entertaining, such as goggles that make everything look upside down, to luxurious, such as special hand lotion.
A veces es mucho más difÃcil "aparecer" para los no familiares que están de duelo porque tenemos la opción de evitarlos y no acercarnos a ellos. Tenemos la opción de quedarnos en nuestras zonas de confort confinadas.
Aunque resulte incómodo "aparecer" por alguien, espero que las sugerencias anteriores hagan un poco menos incómodo hacer lo que a menudo sentimos que es "lo correcto". Y quizá en el proceso desarrollemos una conexión más estrecha con un semejante.
Recursos:
1. Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I've Loved by Kate Bowler (Random House, 2018)
Los apéndices 1 y 2 incluyen breves listas de cosas que "no se deben decir nunca" y de cosas que "hay que intentar decir" cuando se intenta apoyar a alguien que atraviesa momentos realmente duros, todo lo cual podrÃa aplicarse a quienes están de duelo. Nótese que la voz de la autora puede sonar implacable con quienes dicen cosas que ella cree que nunca deberÃan decirse.
2. Helping Through Heartache: An Easy Guide to Supporting Anyone Who Is Grieving by Sheila Hoover (Sheila Hoover, 2021)
Se trata de un libro amable, muy práctico y conciso en el que se explican las cosas que hay que decir o no decir y las cosas que hay que hacer o no hacer para el lector que desea apoyar (y puede sentirse inseguro sobre cómo hacerlo exactamente) a alguien que está sufriendo una pérdida. Es una lectura rápida con párrafos cortos y viñetas para transmitir las ideas principales. Es mi recurso favorito sobre este tema.
3. How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed: A Journal for Grief by Megan Devine (Sounds True, 2021)
Este cuaderno de ejercicios para quienes sufren un duelo agudo puede ser leÃdo por quienes intentan comprender lo que puede estar experimentando una persona que sufre un duelo profundo. Ciertas páginas me hicieron detenerme y reflexionar sobre perspectivas que no se me habrÃan ocurrido como persona ajena al duelo profundo. La página 145 es la referencia para el consejo anterior sobre los tópicos.
(Muchos otros libros sobre el duelo, incluidas las memorias escritas por quienes han vivido un duelo profundo, son de buena lectura e informativos; sin embargo, he enumerado los libros anteriores principalmente como recursos para obtener "listas" de cosas que se pueden decir/no decir y cosas que se pueden hacer/no hacer).